Heartache

So, yesterday was 2 years since my dad died. It doesn't hurt any less now than it did then. I miss my dad more than anything.

My poor hunnies / Happy Father's Day

They get to go to the dentist tomorrow. I am a bad mom. I have never taken them to the dentist. Shanna went when she was one to have her teeth fixed from her allergy...but since, never. Our insurance situation got screwed up when the layoff happened and I switched jobs and we just never got the chance to do it...and then time marches on...and its just one of those things that I overlooked. I know I know I know. Horrible. Well, we are going tomorrow and poor Carson couldn't be more ready.

His back molar (thank the Lord its a baby tooth) is broke in half. We are not sure how it happened, but it happened Thursday at Magic Springs so we have to get that looked at. Shanna's not so looking forward to it though...

Today we had a wonderful day with Derek. It was just a nice afternoon watching Andy Griffith reruns - his absolute favorite. It was nice. I went to the cemetary and visited with both my real dad and my stepdad. It was sad, but I left roses - and said my hello. Well, to my stepdad anyway, I won't go into the story about the visit with my real dad.

well, I hope you all enjoy father's day with all those father's in your lives!

In Remembrance

Today is May 20th. Today is my dad's birthday. May he rest in peace. I miss you every day and now more than ever, I wish you were here. I hope your first birthday in Heaven is your best ever!! I love you.

Playing catchup

Okay, so its been awhile...been just a tad bit busy...

Sis-in-law's wedding was last weekend. It was beautiful if I do say so myself. I was thrilled for her. Her day went just as she wanted it. So I was pumped. I slept 7 hours in 2 days, but it was completely worth it. Just to see her relaxed and enjoying her self and so happy. Lord knows at my wedding, I was the exact opposite. But of course, she knew all she had to do was hollar and I would do whatever she needed so she had no reason to stress. Hey, that's what I am here for! :)

A week ago was March 16. It was one month since dad died. It was a hard day. Its still hard to actually grasp that even happened. It gets a little easier as time goes on, but the thought that it actually happened and he is NOT coming back whatsoever sucks. I finished cleaning out his house with my brother and going through his boxes of stuff I brought home absolutely sucks. I can't hardly do it some days. Just different things that I find that he had or he did, it just breaks my heart. I found different things he wrote or did for softball, or us kids, or calendars and notes he wrote to remember something. It just brings it all back. And the pictures, my lands, the pictures. You just really don't realize all the time that has literally just flown by.

I help coach my daughter's softball team. On the way to practice I think about how he used to do it. He coached softball from the time I was four until 2007 when he was diagnosed. He loved softball. Next to hunting and fishing, it was his world and he was known for it. Everyone locally knew him as an awesome coach. He was really good at it. I strive to coach like he did. I learned alot from him watching him coach the last several years and remembering things he did, his attitude toward coaching his girls. "Its not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game", "you can't hit what you can't see", "pick dirt up when you catch a ball on the ground" "you hurt the ball more than it hurts you"...I still to this day hear him say those things and I catch myself repeating those phrases to my girls now. I hope one day I am half the coach he was. He was truly awesome. Some days the wind blows just right and I hear him telling the girls what to do...other times I see him on a separate field running from first base to the pitchers mound to tell his girl something. Its crazy, I know, but that ballpark was my home away from home my entire life and for years, that man ran it.

Other than that, all I have done the last several weeks is work. I am ready for a break and I get a week off in July, which can't come soon enough.

In other news, our house had a holiday last week. My son turned 7. SEVEN! I almost out of fingers for that child! I can't believe it has been 7 YEARS since I held that sweet little baby boy in my arms and just stared into his eyes. He is such a sweet and brilliant little boy who is absolutely amazed by everything around him. He has such compassion in his heart for those around him and at times he blows me away by things he comes up with, says or even does. What 7 year old child do you know will get $20.00 for his birthday and when he goes to spend it makes sure that he buys something with his money for his little sister? He's done it his entire life and I have never once told him he had or should even do it. That's the kind of sweetness he has about him. He loves to do for others and Shanna is the same way. She always buys Carson a book with her birthday money. I am so proud of my children and I love my son more than anything in the world and I cannot wait to see what life has in store for him. I just still can't believe that my son is 7. Its nuts. I don't even think I am old enough for a 7 year old sometimes!! :)

LOL...more to come later...I promise to try to post more regularly now!

The last Three Weeks....from you know where

Well, I know I have been gone a while...the last three weeks have been a nightmare. First, you know I was sick. Got over it and moved on. Missed one day of work. Boo. I hate missing work for a whole day and I rarely do unless the office is closed and sometimes not even then. But if the office is open, I hate not being there. Stuff piles up, and it is just not pleasant.

The next week, Carson is sick. Bad. And Shanna. Carson has strep and its miss diagnosed for the whole week. He threw up from Sunday through Thursday. Thursday he ended up in the hospital for him to be diangosed with dehydration and an ear infection on top of it. Something apparently his doc couldn't diagnose at the clinic. FRUSTRATING!!!!! I missed two days of work.

The next week took the cake. On Monday, February 16, 2009, the Lord called my Dad home. I was at work and got the call around 2 that he had less than 24 hours. Since I had missed Wednesday and Thursday the week before, I HAD to get a few more things done. I left at 3 and around 4:45 he was gone. I was there with my siblings. It was the hardest thing I have ever done was watch my dad, the strongest man I ever knew growing up, take his last dying breath. It was devestating. The week was spent making funeral arrangements. I worked part of the day Wednesday and was going to work all day Thursday b/c the visitation wasn't until Friday night and the funeral Saturday morning. The school called at 1:00 and said Shanna had diahrrea. So I went to get her. I passed out at home from shear exhaustion and woke up at 7:00 p.m. with fever. I had strep throat. I was freaking out. My hubby got me antibiotics the next morning and the next two days I was in a medicated fog. I barely made it through everything and finally had my breakdown on Sunday night when I was home alone and the kids were in bed and hubby was at work.

The last three weeks have been torture. I am looking for some sunny skys and good times. But I still miss my dad and haven't yet hit the realization that he is gone. We were at the ball park and it just broke my heart that he wasn't going to be there anymore. He loved that ball park. He spent the last twenty years there and he is gone. It is going to take more than I thought to heal.

Friday Night Fish Fry

We had a fish fry, our family tradition, at my sister's house Friday night. It was so much fun. It was the first time that we have had ALL 14 grandkids and all 8 siblings and their signficant others, with the exception of my hubby and my sister's hubby, present. So there were nearly 30 people there just in our immediate family! crazy huh? It was a blast and I believe that my dad really enjoyed it. I am sure it was nice for him to have all of his kids and grandbabies around. ;)



Me n my dadL-R; F-B: Katrina, Haley, Emma, Aaron, Carson, Andrew, Elizabeth (holding Braylee), Anna, Dad, Kaelyn, Austin, Shanna, Keaton, and Tyler!!

I had such a blast spending time with all of them.

*****

Fast forward two days...and I am spending a day at home on my hubby's birthday doing absolutely nothing, when I should be doing a million things, with a severe headache and a sick baby boy. Boo. I feel so bad for him. His asthma is really acting up and he's congested and the sinus draining is making him throw up. He's just miserable. :( Its a short week for him at school, so I am hoping he is feeling better soon.

hhhmm...

Ok, so I am fairly new to the "blogger world". Obviously. I have started following the blogs of a few people I actually know and from their pages started looking at other blogs. I have decided from looking at these blogs, that mine is probably pretty dull. So I will try to come up with better ideas to make this thing more interesting. I guess I am a pretty dull person huh?

We found out Friday that my dad's cancer is for sure back and it is not looking good. So I have been pretty down the last few days. Its not easty to accept the reality of the situation, even though I should be looking at the blessing that it actually is. I got an extra year with my dad, an extra year they did not think he had in the first place. I got an extra year to spend more time with him, say things to him I should have said a long time ago, and make peace with him over things I should have made peace with him over a long time ago. But still, the reality is still hard to face.

Crazy Week!

This week has been absolute chaos! First, I get up late Monday, I was an hour late for work (luckily, Monday was a holiday so it didn't really matter b/c we only worked part of the day anyway). I didn't get ANY housework done last weekend so I was hoping to catch up Monday, but b/c I was late, I got jack done. Then, Tuesday, I have to update my computer b/c its acting all retarded and apparently I needed to update the Windows service pack. So I update. and afterward...OMG...It has erased all of my dictation that I had not finished just yet, erased my connection to my scanner and my printer was acting up. Nevermind that it took half the day to update so I had to work on my second computer at the office. Yes, our office is sometimes so crazy and I get backed up and need to work away from the phones and front door that we actually have a second work station in the back for me to work on. Sad huh? :) anywho...Well, then yesterday I can't get anything done for the computer being retarded and several disability appointments. Today? My printer QUIT. It quit! Ok, for those of you that don't know, a legal secretary without a working printer is like a faucet with no spout. basically, useless. So for half the day, while my boss drove to Benton to get a new one, I was unable to do much of anything. So my Friday, which is supposed to be my short day, will no doubt be an extremely LOOOONNNGGG one. Boo.

Oh, and they are coming to tape and mud my walls and get ready to spray my ceiling and walls to get them ready to paint and my house is a wreck and nowhere near ready. I have weeks worth of laundry to catch up on. I need to do the billing at the office (I reckon I will be bringing that home to do). I just look at my little pig pen and go "why me?" I can clean it immaculate and when my hubby and kids walk through the door its as if everything I just cleaned goes 'WWWOOOO HOOOO" and jumps back into the floor, or on the bars, or the book shelf, or the couch and the laundry magically appears back in the hampers. Its crazy.

On top of the stress and anxiety I have about my house, I am very nervous about my dad going back to the doctor tomorrow. I am so nervous that it is going to be bad. Please pray for him. He was diagnosed with multiple myeloma in July, 2007. We have been so blessed to have had the last year with him. He spent Christmas and New Years of 2007 in the hospital struggling to survive and since he came home in February, 2008, I have been trying to stay closer to him than I have in the past. I am so thankful the Lord felt compelled to bless me and my siblings with another year with him. He got to see my little brother have a baby. He got to see his granddaughter start softball, which was a huge part of his life prior to getting sick. The last year has truly been a learning and growing experience for my family. So keep him in your prayers that everything turns out okay tomorrow!! I am going to attempt to get some sleep tonight, although that hasn't really been in the cards the last couple of days! :)

Until next time...