I have spent the last year doing alot of thinking. I absolutely used to love myself. Not in a conceited way or anything. I have always thought I was fat and definitely not pretty. But on the inside, I loved myself. I loved the fact that I could roll with anything. I didn't care what people thought of me and the way I lived my life so long as I was happy, and wasn't conforming to anything someone said I have to be. I was brave. I was fearless. I would shake my butt when I felt like dancing, I would eat an entire pint of ice cream and not feel bad. I would dance in the rain because there is no better music than rolling thunder. I layed on top of my mothers mini van every night staring at stars because there was nothing more peaceful and the picture changed every night. I love change. Same old every day gets boring. My bedroom in highschool was crazy and I loved it. One window had a hula skirt over it for a curtain, my border was actually bright yellow "CAUTION" tape courtesy of a close friend who used it for his truck shows, I had all the taco bell dog dolls tacked above my closet, which had a closet door that was actually a clear shower curtain that held photographs. The wall paper was thick and ribbed and a brown color so it was like cork board and I could tack and hang and never mess it up :) So one wall had about 25 different mall bags tacked in all different ways, from everywhere, Abercrombie, Macys, Wet Seal, Victoria Secret, Banana Republic, everywhere. Another wall had photograps from top to bottom, another wall had a spiral notebook wire stretched out and pinned up I could hang my necklaces from it. I had a dark blue blow up chair covered in glow in the dark stars, I had glow in the dark planets and stars and comets all over my ceiling, and they were actual beige stickers so you couldn't see them when the light was on and I had HUNDREDS, it was like the actual night sky on my ceiling complete with planets here and there, constellations, comets, and stars. It took HOURS to do and I loved it. I loved my room. I slept to my Aerosmith CD's everynight. Music calms me. It was great. I look back and I so miss that girl. I am not like that anymore. I am not fearless. I am afraid of everything. I don't quite roll with everything like I used to. So, in realizing this over the last year that I am not the same person I used to be, I am going to change that. I want to be that person again. Not so much the ACTUAL 17 year old person, but the fearless, brave, unique, optimistic, happy, memory making me. I want to be that person again and I know my husband would like that because it is the person he fell in love with. I think having children scared me so bad that it changed me completely. Almost changed me too much. I had children at 18 and 19 and I don't want to be the stereo typical mother. I try to do things with my kids to make them appreciate and love life. I want them to grow up to be like I was - dying for adventure, ready to go at a moments notice, unfraid of the real world and ready to take it on. I was fiercly independent and couldn't wait to be on my own. Then when I got the actual chance, I didn't go anywhere. Its funny to me when I look back, but I can change that now. So I am going to work on it. Hopefully in another year when I look back at this, I will realize I succeeded. 2009 was the hardest year of my life and it was truly an eye opener. I realized that I couldn't take so much for granted and I shouldn't put up with alot of what I did and still do. I am changing and I have already changed quite a bit over the last year and I am okay with that. In fact, as I said when I was 17, "It's all good"....and of course "I'm ready....bring it on".
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